i love the way your hands reach out

call me young, call me niave, but how is it that a diabetic gets laid off, insurance taken away and is pretty much told too bad? over a thousand dollars a month in medicine...i feel helpless.

I knew what you were saying was completely out of wack but I guess for a second, every bone in my body wanted to believe those words.

I told myself I won't miss you but I remember what it feels like beside you.

I can't decide on all these feelings. Sometimes I feel like I'm on cloud nine and other times it all hurts. I feel like everyone has moved on and has new friends but I'm still stuck here wondering what to do..I wanna believe in what I have found and I wanna have faith that it will turn out great.

I can't wait for our getaway in october :)

did i blink? how did we ever end up here?

so i guess i've made the best of attempting a new start while still stuck in the same town. i begged my mom to let me move to florida today and i got as far as "i'll think about it" my brother leaves for arizona after christmas. in the mean time i've left behind what has been my group of friends for about 6 months now. i've been hanging out with my cousin, her boyfriend, and adam a lot lately. it's nice to hang out with older people and get away from all the bullshit. i feel relieved and my life feels a lot less stressful without the boys i was hanging out with. i do have to say i miss them though and tonight is one of the nights it actually hurts. i guess i just feel a little down today. still no word from ferris or central and i feel like just giving up and applying to jackson comm. hmmm we'll see we'll see.

i'm leavin bullshit behind left and right like it's my fucking job. i think i've figured out that you're the lonely one. i'm doing just fine and as much as you wanna act like you're not lonely and hating your life i know you are. you act like everyone else around you is the mess but i've come to realize it's you in fact that is quite the fucking mess. you're pathetic and i can't believe everything i've ever done for you. you're not the person i met a few months ago and you will never be half the guy you made yourself out to be. youo're the biggest peice of shit i've ever met. i feel so much better now that you're gone forever.

nite ;)

I've got my hand between your knees and control how fast we go by just how hard I wanna squeeze. After all of this the streets won't be the same at night. I love what we have. I love what I'm starting and I love what I've left behind. My heart has never been in so many places at once.

I want your body, I need your body, as long as you got me you don't need nobody.

I feel like this is all finally laying to rest after months
im still trying to hold on to silly things.
i guess thats what you get when you let your heart win. i cant force these eyes to see the end, were not giving up. we've got time, nothing but time,and its ticking like a clock. but i wear the biggest smile,because it just feels so good. i never MENT to break,it just feels so good.

if you want to play it like a game, well come on lets play. keep me safe inside, tower over me.
we are broken, what must we do to restore? give us life again.

your always on display, and you cant turn back, becuase this is the only road you know. your just living proof, you cant live the lie.

your the one that doubted it in your eyes. we were born for this, but you built yourself a wall and your going to have to find a way around it, dont run away. i put my faith and trust in you, and you just threw it away. my sorry eyes CAN see, and you'll get what you deserve. i never wanted to say this, but you never wanted to stay. stand up and BE A MAN ABOUT IT, fight with your bare hands about it. why do we like to hurt so much?

When she calls you will go.

two months ago they gave you six months to live. the baby won't be here for another 7 months. i've found a reason to believe in a prayer and that's that you're one of those cases that got their six months two years ago.

You're like an indian summer in the middle of winter.

Things are finally starting to feel right again and fall into place. I have to admit I had myself a little worried for a while. I feel like myself again and I smile a lot more. It's good to be back on track :)

I had a really fun night.

We kept it safe and slow. The quiet things that no one ever knows.

I had a good weekend. I'm proud of myself for keeping my word. :) && I'm gonna stay strong this week.

Open up my eager eyes.

It started out with a kiss how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss. Now I'm falling asleep and she's taking a drag. Now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick and it's all in my head but she's touching his chest noww. He takes off her dress now, letting me go. I just can't look it's killing me and taking control. Jelousy, turning saints into the sea, chocking on your alibis. It's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me.

So some things are falling into place. A perfect oppourtunity may have fallen into my lap and I can't help but be dying to take it. Olivia and I have a condo on the beach in Florida waiting for us. Sarah said she will pay all of the rent and food. We would each have our own room, share a bathroom, and our cars could be brought with us. Jackson Community College is right on the island within biking distance. University of Florida is 20 minutes away. She knows a lot of people who work in surf shops and restauraunts and could easily get us a job. I'm already sold on the idea and a fresh start sounds so incredably amazing.

Whenever I get in a rank mood I'm trying to look at the future. So far it's working. Friday we're all going to my cottage to tube and all that jazz. Sunday we're waking up, hangin out for a little bit until we can check into our room and then we're headed to soaring eagle. We have the same suite we had for my birthday which is the best one in the hotel. It has the door that leads right out to the fountain and pool. Then Tuesday-Friday I'm working at IXL! I'm real excited to see everyone even though I have stopped in there a few times. Then Saturday I leave for Florida. Just an escape from all of this is going to be great. I kinda am thinking of not even taking my phone! Scope out what could shortly be my future home..you know. haha.

Things in boy world arn't great. I think I'm actually starting to appreciate the single life but it sucks when all of your friends have boyfriends and you don't. When they're always with them it kinda leaves me hangin. Oh well I guess, someday I'll be in that boat again. I think my next relationship will be hard though. After being completely dropped after two years like it was nothing by someone whom you had all the faith in the world in trust runs dry. After hanging out with someone else for a couple of months and getting all hyped on that idea and well lets not even get into details there. Basically, the trust was runnin dry after the two years thing, after being screwed over yet again the trust for boys is about zero. I just want to find a good guy. One who will make me want to be a better person and I know I shouldn't want to rely on someone for that but I like having that. One who is stabel with money and I won't have to pay for everything. One who is caring and on and on and on. I don't think my list is very difficult to fulfill but appearantly I'm asking too much.

I also think I'm going to stop drinking. A. it makes me fat. B. I drank 10+ beers in one day and made it rain. (worst fear) C. it's a depressant and makes my life seem a million x worse than it really is D. I cut my head open...I could probably go all the way to Z but basically...no more.

Basically, I wanna make my parents proud again. Boss lady is gonna help me thru this. She suggested I make a list of things I want to change and work on it a little bit each day. For once she's startin to make some sense and do more than pretend to listen.. I'm gonna work full time get a lot of money. Enroll into school. Find a good relationship. Work on trusting people a little more and fixing myself.

Take this life, I'm right here. Stay a while and breathe me in.

Slowly but surely getting my life back in order. I have a lot to look forward to and It's really helping. My parents will no longer know every detail of my life therefor they can't judge or be dissapointed. I had a huge wake up call Friday not to mention a slap in the face. I'm awake now and I wanna make things right.

Up North this weekend with my homieeesss.

Florida with Livia to visit her sister the next weekend.

I'm gonna win a jackpot, pay you back, pay it all back.

August is a new month..

I can't find a reason to let go.

I'm careless and reckless lately. All I can do is keep my fingers crossed that the consequences don't catch up. For all I know they could have already and I just don't know yet. I wish the world was honest and pure. I wish this all away... at the same time I want it here. It will never be worth it. If it was ever going to be worth it, it would have happenend by now. I love my life so much but at the same time I can't stand it. When will it ever stop?

You always find a way to keep me right here waiting.

I think I'm going thru this process in reverse. Why are these feelings back now and not at first? Maybe I'm just reaching out to something...anything at all. I think this will be gone in a day or two and it will be back to my life and what I really want.

Your voice was the soundtrack to my summer.

You're weak...shits weeeeaaaak!

My job here is done.

Ohhh life is a bitch. I wanna be happy sometime this year but it's so hard when everyone around me is as down as a I am. Times are tough. I can't seem to stick with true friends or any of the right people. It's a new week, I wanna make it different than the last one. Never again will I tell you or you anything about my life. Lesson learned.

I think we're movin but we go no where.

Temptation has the best of me along with half a dozen other things.

I love having someone to sleep with every night.

My patience is about as short as my finger nails.

Baby, why don't you stay?

Love em, Leave em, Give em hell for sure.

I'm living in a world that should only be seen on TV. The sad thing is that most days, I don't hate it. Not even a little bit, not even at all.

She's a very freaky girl.

I'm being soo rediculously dumb but dumb has never felt so good.

Where did I go wrong?

For so long I've been such a huge believer in the saying "Everything happens for a reason." For the first time in forever I'm going against that. I don't see the reason for any of this at all. I didn't learn shit and all it did was hurt. I thought maybe in the end it would all be ok but how can something so great not turn into anything at all? It's been fun but I could have lived with out it.

Liv, Ash, and I had another huge discussion on religion, god, heaven and hell. Ashley put out the idea that this is hell and then we go to heaven. I'm really starting to believe that this is hell..

I swear I'm going into the wrong field. I'm a fuckin actress lately. The curtains about to come crashing down though and it doesn't feel pretty..

I'm tasting nothing but 4 words; please don't leave me.

This weekend has been suuuuch a long one. I had a wedding Friday, Ryan's Saturday, and my party on Sunday. Everything was a lot of fun though. My party was a little dull at first but then we got the water balloons and squirt guns going. I resorted to the hose and owned! Except when Jim destracted me and Shane grabbed it haha. Then my brother and Leif decided that since I was the graduate at the end they had to dump the tub of ice water on me..sooo cold. Everyone ended up drenched. After that the night just got better and better :) just a minor mishap towards the end.

My heart has been jumpy lately. I've been learning not to care and not to expect much lately though and it's been workin out. I baught a new book today that I'm actually pretty hyped to read. I'm having sooo much fun with summer though and I actually have time to hang out with people! I start nannying for Tanner again tomorrow but it's only 3 days a week and I have Mondays and Fridays off. Plus I'll be done by atleast 4 everyday. I'm looking forward to what the rest of summer brings!!

Makin love out by the lake to our favorite song. Sippin whiskey out the bottle not thinkin about tomorrow.

This post doesn't even need words.
The picture says it all.

You'll never leave where you are untill you decide where you wanna be.

Relieved - Determined

I can't say I didn't see this coming. I guess I just wanted to block it all out. I hope this ends up working out for best.

I gotta feel ya in my bones again.

Late nights won't do me right.

Graduated. A mess. Not ready. Regretful. Adventouras. Motivated. All over the place? ahh yuup.

I was thinking about how many things I would do differently if I would've know that it was my last time doing that particular thing. I mean sure, that's how you learn and blah blah blah, but seriously. If I would have known he was at his witts end I would have changed. If I would have known that was the last time we would ever speak I wouldn't have walked out so angry. If I would have known she was going to die I wouldn't have held that grudge. If I would have known that night was the last time I would ever hang out with him and have the title of his girl I would have made it unforgetable. If I would have known that the last time we kissed was quite possibly the last time I would have never stopped. I think I could go on forever about all these things with all these different people.